MARRIAGE TIPS.
After dating for nearly three years and knowing we were on the path to
marriage, I asked my boyfriend directly when he imagined us becoming
engaged. We had a couple of discussions where I laid out my expectations
and he his before reaching an approximate window of when we both
thought we’d be ready. I later told a friend about these discussions,
and she responded, “I would never bring that up! You should just wait
for him to propose when he’s ready.”
What? No, thank you. This huge next step was 50 percent about me, and I
had the right to know where my (and our) life was headed. From that
exchange, I’ve determined six things you shouldn't do if you're ready
for marriage.
You shouldn't...
1. ...avoid the conversation
In a relationship, the choice to date each other is mutual. The act of
marriage is a team endeavor. Marriage counselors, therapists and
ministers suggest discussing every possible expectation for life as a
married couple before marriage. So doesn’t it make sense that
engagement—and the discussion of a future—should also be joint process?
I’m not saying you and your partner should mutually propose to each
other or plan out the exact date, time and location you’re going to
become engaged (a little mystery and excitement can make the moment even
more special), but engagement should not be taboo subject.
Through an honest discussion, you’ll find out if you’re on the same
page. Is marriage important to both of you? Will it add something to the
relationship or are you both content continuing to be together as you
are? Are you still in love with each other or merely comfortable? Do you
want to be married (as in, you’d elope if you had to) or just plan a
fun wedding? With America's divorce rate as high as it is, marriage
should never be entered into with a shrug or blind faith. Discussing
engagement opens up the window to many important questions about your
future together, and may even reveal that you don’t have a future
together at all.
3.try to be the “cool girlfriend”
In an effort to prove they are not “that girl”—the demanding girlfriend
who requests a proposal on her timeline—too many women don’t say a word
about wanting to be engaged, bottling up their confusion, anticipation
and frustration. If you are expecting or desiring a proposal, closing
your eyes and hoping it will happen won’t get you anywhere.
Pretending you don’t care is a dead end, too. There are plenty of women
who truly don’t feel the need to get married and are totally fine with
long-term dating. If that is you, great! But if it’s not, no amount of
forcing will change how you feel. There is nothing wrong about wanting
to commit to a lifetime with someone, so for heaven’s sake, don’t feel
guilty. Listen to yourself and acknowledge your needs.
3. ...drop hints
I get why women (myself included) drop hints—it’s so easy! You can put
feelers out there, gauge a reaction and if you come under suspicion for
your hinting ways, there’s no damning evidence because you didn’t
actually say anything. So sneaky.
But while it’s easier to hint, this approach very rarely accomplishes
anything. Women shouldn’t need to resort to petty games in place of
having a grown-up discussion. When you’re unhappy about something down
the road, are you going to drop hints to your husband in hopes that he
picks up on them? Your partner can’t read your mind—say something. Any
person who is serious about a future won’t freak out at the mere mention
of marriage. If he or she is not respectful of and responsive to your
efforts to have an honest discussion, maybe you have your answer right
there.
4. ...make the discussion about a ring
Avoid bringing up engagement in the context of a ring. If a diamond (or
sapphire or emerald) ring is important to you, that’s fine. Say it once
and then back off. The more you bring up the rock, the less the issue is
about the actual engagement and marriage. Also, rings aren’t cheap.
Just as you cannot make money appear out of thin air, neither can they.
If you’re secretly expecting your significant other to plan out an
elaborate proposal, consider that this might take a bit of time, too.
Proposing is already a big deal; planning a special one takes it up
another notch.
In either case, you’re absolutely required to be more patient. If
waiting bugs you that much, it’s time to adjust your expectations.
5. ...talk about how everyone else is doing it
Similar to #4, you should avoid making your engagement about anything
other than the two of you. It is insanely hard not to compare yourself
to others, especially in the age of invasive social media. First you see
your friends traveling the world, then in a happy relationship, then
engaged, then married. Then they buy a house and have a child, and it
all looks so fun and perfect. You feel like you're falling behind, and
it's rough. Ugh.
The simple truth is, though, that there is no right time to get married.
Just because your friends are getting married at 27 doesn't mean you
should be getting married at 27. Using this as an argument for getting
engaged comes off like you're trying to win a competition, not grow your
relationship.
Reflect on whether you not only truly want this, but are also ready for
this. You can be in love with your significant other and still need some
time. Take a deep breath, block out the noise and focus on the two of
you.
6. ...beat a dead horseThere should be an element of trust and respect that your partner hears
you. I will admit that I didn’t do very well in this area when I was
ready for engagement. I brought up the topic one too many times after
our initial discussions. Letting my curiosity/anxiety manifest into a
game of 20 questions only made my boyfriend, and me, feel worse. Feeling
a lack of control is frustrating, but having a discussion (see #1) is
your form of control. Say what you feel directly, clearly and honestly.
State your intentions and expectations. Listen to theirs, as well. And
then let it go.
ALWAYS PUT YOUR SITUATIONS IN GOD CARES.
Pray With Prayer Points.
